Am I dead yet?
by Golden Vampire Eyes
Summary: Bella is suicidal. She goes to the Cullen's old house to do the deed. What happens when she is saved by a golden eyed mother? Warning- Maybe morbid. Not for weak stomachs. Mature violent themes. Maybe OOC?
1. Chapter 1

BPOV

BPOV

It has been 5 months since _he _left me to die. I am living in hell. I went into a zombie state when_ he_ left. I had snapped out of it about three weeks ago. I am miserable. My friends all abandoned me. I made a quick decision. I grabbed my pictures, my video camera, my knives, my letters, and most importantly, Charlie's gun. I took off walking with it towards _that_ house where all the problems began. I was able to walk gracefully because of my weight of 86 pounds. It was dark outside. Not that I'm afraid. I saw the house approaching. I was at it in a minute. I kicked in the door and went inside. I set the video camera up. I pulled out my knives. I set my pictures up around the house. I smiled a morbid smile. I placed the letters on the coffee table. I turned the camera on and recorded my message. It was too much pain. I could not go on anymore. Charlie would understand. Then I took the knife and cut myself a bunch of times. I pressed it down on my throat a little. I felt the warm sensation of blood running down my throat. I could smell the salt and rust but I had to put that aside and focus on this task. Then I grabbed Charlie's gun. I walked right up to the video camera. I had already lost a lot of blood and I was a bit dizzy. I smiled morbidly into the camera and pulled the trigger into my shoulder. I fell to the ground after barely hitting save on the camera as I went. Then I weakly picked up the gun and shot my leg. I screamed with pure joy that came from this. I would die with a morbid smile of bliss and happiness.

? POV.

I knew Edward told us to stay away but I just had to see if she was alright since Alice wasn't aloud to look. I hope she was happy. I ran swiftly through the forest of rainy little Forks, Washington. The forest hasn't changed at all. I ran to Charlie's house. I scaled the tree to her room. I peered inside and the bed was made and empty. Her scent was faintly here. I could only hear one heart beat and it was Charlie's. I listened as his talked in his sleep.

"Screaming. Bella. Stop. Kill. Edward. Bastard. Pie" Charlie grumbled. I sighed and ran back into the woods. I ran far. I knew they were the forest by our old house. I missed the house dearly. It was my favorite that I picked. I heard a loud gun shot from the direction of my house. I immediately turned and ran as fast as my feet would take me to the spot. I reached the white house. It still looked the same. The door was kicked open. I ran inside and was hit with major blood lust. I knew this blood too well. It was Bella's. I ran into the living room while holding my breath. I nearly died at what I saw. Bella was laying on the floor, gun laying right next to her pale and fragile body, a shot to her shoulder and leg, cuts all over her, and a morbid smile on her face. I rushed over to her. I felt a very slightly faint heartbeat. She would die soon. I would not let that happen to my daughter. I didn't think. I sunk my teeth down into her neck. A little blood rushed into my mouth. I ignored it and released as much venom as I could. I then bit her wrists and ankles. Bella did not respond. I gently laid her on the couch. It was only then that I looked around the room and house. There was a video camera, knives, a gun, and pictures. I walked closer to view the pictures. I gasped in horror and utter mortification. It was of Bella, pressing a knife to her arm. There were scars all over her arms and legs. The next picture was of her leg cut open. Then one of her trying to hang herself. Then one of a scar on her heart. A tattoo on her back, saying 'I hate loving Edward.' Then another of a different tattoo on her stomach. It said 'Hating the Cullens.' Then another after a motorcycle accident. Then a horrible one of her smashing a window and cutting her body up. I felt as if I would vomit. Then I looked over at her. She was deathly skinny, deathly pale, her brown hair once shown with light and volume, but it was now flat, her cheeks were hollow, she had deep dark purple circles under her eyes. You could see her bones pretty badly through her skin. Her lips were dry and set in that morbid smile still. Her skin had turned a sallow milk color. If I didn't know better I would say she is a vampire. I grabbed a rag and wiped up as much blood as I could. I need my family. I ran to the house phone and dialed Carlisle. "Hello?" Carlisle asked on the third ring.

"Carlisle, I need all of you at the old house as soon as you can be here. It is important." I said.

"Yes, love, we'll see you soon." Carlisle said. "I love you, be careful."

"Hurry." I whispered into the phone. I hung up. I looked in the little metal toasted and my eyes had turned a ruby red. I let out a dry sob and walked back over to Bella. The venom was working. "Why'd he have to hurt you so? Bella, you need to make it. I love you." I whispered to her. I could smell the venom working but she was not convulsing in pain yet. I took her hand and looked at her wrists. Besides the cuts and wounds I could see bunch of tattoos. I brought it to my eyes. There was a tattoo going around both her wrists saying each of our names besides Edwards. I guess he had really destroyed her badly. I kissed her wrist. "I am sorry Bella." I whispered. I heard footsteps in the distance. I crouched protectively in front of Bella. I was snarling. Then my family came in the room. They all gasped.

"Esme, what happened?" Carlisle said with panic in his voice.


	2. Chapter 2

ESMEPOV

ESMEPOV

"_Esme, what happened?" Carlisle said with panic in his voice._

What happened? Hmm let me think that out. Never mind, Edward's here. "As you know, I was not fond of Edward's wishes so I came to merely check up on Bella."

"Oh yeah, you certainly did a good job." Edward snapped. I was still guarding Bella. Even Edward would not get by me.

"Edward. Let your mother finish." Carlisle hissed. Edward nodded weakly.

"As I was saying, I went by Charlie's old place and only Charlie was there. I left and I was running through the woods. I heard a gunshot and I came running here. When I came inside I immediately smelled her blood. I ran to the living room and she had cut herself severely and multiple times. Then she shot her shoulder and her leg. She was going to die! I had to save her! I could not let her die like that!" I cried into Carlisle's side. Shaking with dry sobs. Edward tried to move forward. "No!" I hissed.

"Why! She is my Bella!" Edward roared.

"Don't. She left letters on the coffee table, and there is a tape." I whispered. Edward snatched the letters and landed them to Carlisle to read.

"Read them." Edward said bluntly. Carlisle nodded and opened the first letter.

_Dear Cullens._

_I am so sorry if I disappointed you by doing this to myself. I just could not live in the misery that I was living in any longer. I understand how disappointed you are in me. I am once again sorry. If you didn't leave then maybe I would be alive right now. Maybe. I hope that you all can refrain Edward from doing something utterly stupid. I don't want you to hurt over this. I just cannot go on. Sorry._

_Isabella Swan._

Carlisle read. "The next one says to watch the video first." Carlisle said. Rosalie grabbed the tape and put it in the VCR. The screen was of the living room. Bella's face appeared. **A/N; If it is italic it is her speaking.**

"_Hello everyone. As you must have read the first letter. This is a little video. I am not sorry for what I did. Only the disappointment you may have for me. I will let you know how my past six months have been." Bella backed up and revealed her small skinny body. She showed the tattoos she has. Then she showed her many scars. "I would not have done this if Edward still loved me." Bella started crying. "GOD DAMMIT EDWARD! YOU FUCKING HEARTLESS VAMPIRE! I AM DEAD BECAUSE OF YOUR SORRY ASS!" Bella screamed and punched a window. "As you can see. My stomach may say hate Cullens but there is one that I have had pain from. I may not hate him. I love you Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie, Alice, and Edward. Edward, I will never stop loving you even if you do not want me. I am sorry for having to end it this way. I love you all." Bella said sobbing. She then cut herself many times with a knife. "Goodbye. Forever." Bella whispered. Then she grabbed a gun and shot her shoulder. She collapsed and the screen went blank. _

Edward held onto Alice for dear life. He was dry sobbing like crazy. None of us were not dry sobbing. Even Rosalie was crying unshed tears. "Well, I should read the letter." Carlisle opened the next letter.

_As you just saw my brutal death. Once again I say I am sorry. I could just not live with the searing pain in my chest where my heart was viciously ripped out. Carlisle, thank you for being a father to me and helping me when I needed bandaging up. I love you. Esme, sorry for my cursing earlier. I want to thank you dearly for being a mother to me and caring so much about me as a daughter. I love you. Alice, I am sorry. I will miss you dearly and even though I hated them I loved to spend time with you going shopping. Jasper, even if we weren't close I understand. I still love you like a brother. DON"T BLAME THE BIRTHDAY AND YOUR LEAVING ON YOURSELF OR I WILL COME BACK AND BURN YOU! I love you. Rosalie, even if we weren't best friends and you hated me you have always been a sister to me. I love you. Emmett, my big teddy bear, I will miss your silly jokes and your booming laugh. I love you. Edward, I will miss you the most. I love you so very much. I am just not whole without you. I will love you forever. I love you all. This is goodbye forever._

_Isabella Marie Swan_

Carlisle read. I collapsed over her body and cried onto her.

"You know it's not nice to cry on people." A voice from under me spoke. I looked and Bella was awake, staring at me with piercing ruby red eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

ESME POV

ESME POV

"_You know it's not nice to cry on people." A voice from under me spoke. I looked and Bella was awake, staring at me with piercing ruby red eyes._

"How are you changed already?" Carlisle pondered. Bella just looked at him.

"Changed? You surely must be kidding me. I am dead and I am in hell. That is why you are here." Bella said with confusion evident in her voice. I took her hand in mine.

"Bella, you're not dead or in hell. You attempted suicide and I changed you into a vampire." I said softly.

"Oh yes. The pain. It felt good. The transformation didn't live up to the pain _he _caused me." Bella hissed. Edward winced.

"I think your changed went faster because of how many times Esme bit you. Which is six." Carlisle said. "Your ankles, wrists, and both sides of your neck."

"Sure Dr. Cullen." Bella shrugged. "Don't ask because I remember every detail of my human life."

"Bella, what's on your wrists?" Emmett asked. Bella picked up her wrist and looked at her tattoos. She smiled morbidly again.

"Just some of my tattoos. You wanna see the rest?" She asked. Emmett nodded. Bella stood up gracefully and pulled her shirt off, leaving her in a bra. She pointed to her stomach. "One." Then she turned and showed her back. "Two." "Three, Four, Five Six." Bella showed her wrists. Then she rolled up her pant leg and showed a tattoo of a vampire fairy. It distinctively looked like Victoria. "Seven." Then she showed her hip. It had the word Cursed' written in elegant script. "Eight." Bella smiled and put her shirt on again. "They are pretty aren't they?" Bella asked.

"No they are morbid." Rosalie said.

"Thank you. I know what I am. Just to let you know, I am surprised that you're here. I didn't think the great Rosalie Hale would ever show her pretty little face in Forks." Bella smirked at Rosalie. "I actually never expected any of you to be here ever again."

"Edward made us promise to leave you alone." Alice said.

"Ah, promises. I don't believe in promises. You broke yours by saying you'll never leave me. Now your back and breaking even another one." Bella turned to Edward.

"Bella, I am sorry. I lied to you in the forest. I love you. It is impossible to stop loving you. I am sorry. I never wanted to leave you. I did it to protect you. I felt my family was dangerous after the birthday incident. I am sorry, it's what I thought was best for you." Edward said with honesty evident in his eyes.

BELLA POV

Why didn't they let me die!? I wanted to! Now I have to live forever in loneliness and misery. He left to protect me! I was in even more danger when he was gone. "You left to protect me." I seethed.

"Yes." Edward nodded.

"I was in more danger with you gone. Laurent, Victoria, werewolves!" I shrieked.

"Wolves?" Carlisle asked. I nodded.

"They killed Laurent when he was going to kill me." I said.

"Bella, I tried tracking Victoria. I was terrible at it. I am sorry." Edward got on his knees and begged. "Please take me back Bella. I am sorry. I love you." Edward looked me in the eyes and said this.

"You already know I love you." I whispered. "But can I trust you?"

"Bella, I will never leave again. Never." Edward promised. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Edward, I am so sorry. I love you." I cried into his shoulder. Edward rubbed my back.

"Just never try and take yourself away from me again." Edward whispered. We pulled apart.

"Bella, now we do have to ask since the facts aren't straight. Why did you try and commit suicide?" Carlisle asked the dreaded question.


	4. Chapter 4

"Bella, now we do have to ask since the facts aren't straight

"_Bella, now we do have to ask since the facts aren't straight. Why did you try and commit suicide?" Carlisle asked the dreaded question._

Wasn't it obvious? I sighed. "Well, after you left I went into a zombie state. I didn't eat, talk unless spoken directly too, sleep. I didn't sleep because I would wake up screaming. I was empty, wasteful, and numb. I also somehow became stronger physically of course. I would work out more. Channeling pain into working out. I had come out of this state three weeks ago. That is when the pain hit me full force. I had lost all my friends. I could see the hurt and pain in Charlie's eyes. Most of the time I would try and shrivel up. I would lie in my bed and be soulless and empty. Then I started cutting myself. As you cannot see them anymore but I would cut my arms, legs, stomach, and my heart. Well where it is on my chest. Then I borrowed a motorcycle from a family friend, Jacob Black. I crashed purposely into a tree. I got the tattoos also. Then the Laurent thing happened. I then couldn't take the pain anymore. I came here and you know what happened. So the reason why I tried to kill myself was because the hole in my heart was just too big. It engulfed my entire soul. I was in so much pain." I explained. Then I was in Edwards arms.

"Bella I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I love you." Edward said into my hair.

"I love you too. I am fine. Let's just move on into our future of eternity." I smiled. Edward smiled at me also.

"Is there anything you want?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah, actually there is." I said.

"What is it?" Rosalie asked.

"Tattoo removal." I smiled. Everyone laughed. Alice ran from the room and upstairs. She returned a second later with a machine that removes tattoos. I sighed and pried Edward off me. "Should I keep any of them?" I asked Edward.

"The names and the fairy. Also maybe you could add another name to your wrists." Edward smiled hopefully.

"No." I said bluntly. He was hurt. "I am not adding it to my wrist but on my heart." I smiled. Edward face lit up. I pulled off my shirt and Alice went to work. It took 30 minutes to lose the other tattoos. It was painful.

"I didn't know vampires could have tattoos." Emmett said. "I want one!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett, I'll make you a bet." I smiled mischievously. Alice bursted out laughing. I shushed her.

"Now you're speaking my language. Go on." Emmett's eyes lit up like a child in a toy store.

"If I beat you at arm wrestling you get my name tattooed on you butt. If you beat me I get your name tattooed on mine." I smiled. Emmett cheered. "And no removing tattoos when they are done."

"You're on!" Emmett challenged me.

"Outside kids." Esme warned. We walked over to the old stump in the backyard. I put my elbow on the stump. Emmett put his on also. His giant paw I mean hand grabbed my small one in his.

"Ready?" Alice asked. I prepared for a flick of my wrist. "Set." Alice said slowly. "Go!" She yelled. I flicked my wrist and Emmett's arm and his whole body flew sideways. I jumped up.

"I won!" I yelled. Edward pulled me into his arms and gave me a chaste kiss. I smiled against his lips.

"Rematch!" Emmett pleaded.

"Nope!" I smirked. I smelled the air and it was repulsive. I put my hand over my nose to stop the smell.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Edward asked.

"It smells repulsive." I said.

"Jasper, bring some tiger blood." Edward said. Jasper nodded and came back with tiger blood. Or so Edward called it. He held it out to me. I took the canteen and eyed it. "Drink it love." Edward said. I sighed and twisted the cap off. I poured the contents into my mouth. It stopped the burning in the back of my throat. I smiled as I tossed the canteen to Jasper.

"Now Emmett. Come on! We need to give you your tattoo! I will do it since I did my own." I smiled. I dragged Emmett inside before anyone could ask. I grabbed a needle, tattooing ink, and a towel. I shoved Emmett on the couch on his stomach. I looked and saw everyone watching with amusement. Carlisle and Esme were even amused.

"How did you do your own tattoos?" Rosalie asked.

"I did what I'm about to do." I said. "Who wants to remove the pants?" I asked. Rosalie was pulling his pants down in a second. He was left in white briefs.

"You wear briefs!" Jasper chortled with laughter. I laughed and revealed his pale white bum. I took the needle to it and Emmett yelped.

"That area is sensitive." Emmett whined. Alice whispered softly in my ear.

"Do Isabella Cullen on it. Then add Rosalie's name." I was sure nobody else heard her. I nodded. I wrote my name in cursive on his bum. It said.

_Isabella Cullen owns his ass._

Then I went to the other cheek and tattooed.

_Rosalie's property._

I smiled as I cleaned them. I looked at Alice and she had a camera. I put my thumbs up. The flash went off. She took many pictures of the tattoos. Emmett pulled his pants up again. I laughed.

"My ass hurts now." Emmett complained. I smirked. This was going to be a great eternity.


End file.
